brokenmnemonic

So many times, I've sat down, intending to post, but I'm so consumed by anxiety and stress from ::waves hand around:: and my general life crap that I can't seem to do it. There's this part of me that just can't believe--I mean, literally can't believe--what is happening in this shithole country. I don't doomscroll much, but it's impossible to avoid everything.

My mom was from Minnesota, St. Paul specifically but as anyone who's been there knows, it doesn't really matter which of the twin cities you're from, they're just across the river. I've spent a lot of time there, even though the half of her siblings who stayed in Minnesota had families that were never great to those of us out here in the PNW. (It's funny, out of her six sibs, three stayed there and three moved here.) A part of me does kind of want to know what is happening with my cousins, but we've really lost touch, and I think one of the few I've stayed in some vague kind of touch with is pretty conservative, so... So as much as I've tried not to get into a doom spiral, it's really freaking hard. And it's not like these jackboot fucks aren't also in our own cities, especially in these blue states.

I'm considering doing the Fandom T***ps Hate (I hate that fucker so much I can't stand to say his name and it's ruined a perfectly serviceable word) auction, though I'm really struggling with the idea of it. I loved doing the Fandom Loves Puerto Rico auction some years back, and got to do both a vid and a fic. But at this point right now, I don't think I have anything to offer that anyone wants; I haven't found anything to replace Cap fandom and a lot of the smaller fandoms I could write don't even generate other signups at Yuletide. So like a minimum bid of $5 wouldn't exactly help the auction much when I can't generate any interest because of my goofy list of unpopular fandoms. There used to be these Yuletide stalwart fandoms every year like Kings, but a couple years ago when I wrote for it, even people who used to be into it didn't read the fics. I don't know, I can't decide. I'd like to contribute, but I feel like what little I could do wouldn't make much of a contribution.

Part of it, I'm sure, is that I am not into the popular thing, once again. I have not been swept away by Heated Rivalry, and definitely am reminded of that feeling when it seemed like there was literally no other person in all of fandom who didn't love Stargate Atlantis, and how isolating that was. It was kinda nice after Captain America: The Winter Soldier to be in something popular and huge. That's rarely been the case for me--even in hot fandoms, I would always be into the "wrong" ship or something, so Stucky was pretty wild for me.

I could consider adding something popular like The Pitt, but I'm also not sure if I could write in it; I haven't been reading fic much, for some reason I can't concentrate enough for that, and so I don't know what I might be able to do in it. There are definitely shows/movies I'd love to try to write but don't feel like I could. I have always admired people who can come up with ideas for just about anything they like, I'm so envious of that. I don't know what's wrong with me!

In non fandom news, I'm still mostly hanging in there: my numbers are holding steady and I think the cancer part is mostly okay, it's just the other weird stuff that's plaguing me. There's something really weird and wrong with my knee, and my hands are so bad and constantly painful that I'm not sure what I am going to be able to do about it. But I have chemo on Thursday so I am planning to talk to my oncologist about it all. Sometimes the obvious things are things I can't do because of the cancer or the drugs.

I had been in the middle of a Schitt's Creek rewatch when I heard that Catherine O'Hara died, and I am just so heartbroken. She has been one of my all-time favorites for so long, and there were two wonderful things she did in the early '80s when there was that short-lived revival craze of anthology shows such as the '80s Twilight Zone, Amazing Stories, The George Burns Comedy Week, and this movie a lot of the SCTV crew did called Really Weird Tales, that I think few people ever saw, let alone remembered. If you want to laugh and enjoy her as much as I do, you can watch both of these on YouTube, they're not the best quality but I loved them so and it's great to know at least one or two other people remembered these shows. Her segment of Really Weird Tales is called I'll Die Loving and the George Burns one is called The Dynamite Girl (the link to RWT is the whole movie, but the George Burns one is her segment alone).